Wednesday, June 16, 2010

blue crayon day

It's actually more of a blue crayon week than day. 

A nice, bright, royal blue crayon got left in the car today, on the front passenger seat of our van.  Add to this pretty mixture, the greenhouse effect of the Florida sunshine.  No further description needed. 

We dropped off Scott again at the airport for another deployment.  The same now sadly familiar feelings of emotional pain shot through my body, as I tried and failed to contain the screaming tears, and tried yet failed to pretend I was strong, and ok with saying goodbye.  Why do we try to pretend?  Here's a few reasons I suppose:

1- it scares my little girls to see me sobbing
2- if I can somewhat contain my emotions, perhaps the girls wont fully realize what's going on.  Innocence is bliss they say . . .
3. I don't want Scott to feel guilty for doing his job and fighting for his country.  At least I think I don't. 
4. It's not safe to drive with blurred vision
5. Pleading, "please don't leave me, please don't go, I love you, don't leave . . ." doesn't change the fact that he still has to

Forcing me to pull out of my own selfish wallowing, I received the news that a dear friend of mine had a tragedy in her family.  My pain that has become as regular as Scott's deployment schedule, is minuscule compared to what she is and will be going through over the next few weeks and months. 

So what next?  I turn my pain into action.  Comfort and love my friend - scrub melted blue crayon.  Blue crayon does not totally come out.  Heartache never completely washes away.

So what next?  We keep scrubbing, and keep comforting and loving each other.  A very wise woman told me on the phone today, "Virtually anything is possible if you don't have to do it alone." 

Thank you to all my devoted family and friends, who are always there for me when blue crayon days come around.  I love you and am so very grateful.  Way more than a silly blog entry can describe . . .
The front passenger seat- after an hour of scrubbing, soaking up the excess wax with an iron and brown paper, and several different solvents and cleaners . . . and to think when I was little, the blue crayon was my favorite!


  1. I think that heartache does wash away. Or perhaps it gets swallowed up by something greater. I have to confess, for example, that when I look at the blue crayon stain, I have to smile. I know that you can't. At least, I'm not sure that I would have in your situation if my sweet little daughter had left the blue crayon in the sun on the upholstery of the car. But those little girls grow up and have sweet little girls of their own and you love them and their sweet little girls all the more, and smile with affection at the blue crayon stains, the signs of life of the darling children.

  2. beautiful post liz. Its so true that despite our greatest heartaches, they do seem to be lessoned when we learn what others are going through at the same time. And it seems that in life, when it rains it pours! Hang in there Liz- I love you!

  3. God bless you guys during this deployment. I think your reasons for pretending are quite valid and necessary. You have a strength that your daughters need during this time. I think you're doing a great job.

  4. Liz,
    My heart goes out to you as I pray for your comfort with your pain. Holding it in is something we were taught since we were young...remember the words..."Don't cry", "quite down", "you'll be ok". That is one reason why some are reluctant to show tears and feelings. But labeling them and acknowledging them help to organize what we are going through.

    One thing that helps me when someone I love leaves in my life, is inviting the Savior to help heal my wounds, and then like you said...act. I can only imagine what you are going through and I have the deepest ya!

  5. Oh Liz, saying goodbye is so hard every single time for me too. I can't even hold it! I hope time flies for you.
    Your dad's comment is so sweet! It almost sounds like a poem! =)
    Love ya!

  6. Liz, Not that my "tradgedy" is a good thing, but I think it helps us both, help each other. You know that I am always here for you and Brent and I are your family while Scott is gone. The great thing about our friendship is that it goes both ways totally unspoken. You are here for me LITERALLY EVERYDAY to babysit me. I love you and all that you do.
    I do have to laugh at your blue crayon. You will to someday. if it were me, I would have wiped and called it "it is what it is" but you are so persistant and awesome! Even though there is a stain, you worked it over so well that I think you will make a hole if you keep at it much longer. lol. I love you! So persistant all the time!
    This deployment is for us both. I need you and you need me. We are here for each other. Remember that Heavenly Father loves you too. He will be your guiding light through this for both of us.

  7. Oh Liz! I can't imagine having my husband deployed and you are such a STRONG woman. Hang in there, this life is a trial and we WILL endure! It's also meant to find joy, so in the meantime, spoil yourself and the girls while Scott is gone.
    You've always been an inspiration to me.

  8. Liz, Ben leaves all the time and even though I know (well I pray) that it is only for a few weeks I still cry. You would think that it would get easier or I would get better at it but I don't. I've decided it's a blessing. I never want to be comfortable with Ben leaving. I think it's wonderful that you never want to be without your husband. Very, very hard, but wonderful.

  9. Good thing you like blue, good way to stay positive as well!
    I'd love to be here for you as you were for me while my husband was deployed.
    I can't wait for the Twilight party! Have I told you I am team Edward? Just by watching the movies I'm team Jacob but after reading the books I'm all the way Edward!!

  10. By the way, I'd love to do a photo shoot (gratis) when Scott returns (and the weather cools off). If you are interested, calendar me in!


  11. I'm so sorry Liz. I'll pray for you and your beautiful girls that things might feel a little lighter while Scott's away. You amaze me. Your such a wonderful, strong momma.